everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
