My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
