girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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