I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
