i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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