I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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