last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
