if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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