You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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