question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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