I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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