that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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