my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
