Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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