im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
