Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
