I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
