i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
