Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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