My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
