I feel like abortions should bother me more
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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