I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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