Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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