Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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