Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
