This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
