God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
