I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
