You really coming over, don't trick.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
