Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I smell stomach acid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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