I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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