you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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