2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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