she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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