I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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