i need an iv and a liver transplant
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
