i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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