Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This toilet bowl is my home.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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