My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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