Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
