When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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