Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
