so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
