i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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