I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
