Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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