im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
