I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
