textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
