just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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