Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
