so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
