found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
