At least make sure they are 18
Why
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there was a trapeze. enough said
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
