i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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