so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
