Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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