to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
