You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
