I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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