so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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