I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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