dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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