You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
