If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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